About five months ago, I had a family shoot up in the mountains. This had been planned for some time, I think they booked me nearly a year in advance. I put a lot of effort in finding a specific location for this family, I spent over 9 hours on three different trips in the car with my 2 & 3-year-old in tow, trying to get the look that they wanted. I found the spot, worked out the details, and met them about an hour up a dirt road in one of the most beautiful spots you can think of.
I know that I could get in a lot of trouble for this post. I’m not here to talk politics or debate “the science” with you, but this experience has sat on my chest like a weight for 5 months, and I feel compelled to share it.
I’ve always been a person who can stand up for what I believe. Maybe not always out loud, but quietly, in the actions of my day-to-day life. This past year (2020), was like an obstacle course of figuring out when to go along with what the world wanted me to do, when to quietly stay home and keep living my life, or outright stand against mandates that took away my own personal freedoms. I know I’m not alone in this, everyone has had to decide for themselves what their line is and what it looks like to draw boundaries.
What happened at the beginning of this shoot nearly knocked the air out of me. We were up in the mountains, the air was so fresh. I got out of my car and started grabbing my equipment while they got ready. The dad started walking towards me with a mask on and I remember thinking that was odd. He got to about 10 ft away from me and said hello (we hadn’t actually met in person yet) then asked if I would be wearing a mask.
At this point, I’m 8 months pregnant and avoid wearing masks at all costs. I can’t breathe in them, and being pregnant exasperates that problem (I know you preggo mamas can feel me on this). I hadn’t even brought one with me, for goodness sake we were in the MOUNTAINS. I don’t come within 6 ft of my clients anyways and had at that point never even been asked to wear a mask for a shoot.
I looked around my car for a second, trying to figure out what to do. He asked, “do you even have a mask?”. I smiled and said, “no, I didn’t think to bring one. I’m sorry…I won’t be within 6 feet of you guys”.
He then said, “well this one is clean, why don’t you wear it?”.
The one on his face.
The one he was currently wearing.
And I felt panic creep up as I tried to figure out how to react to this. My people-pleasing personality, going out of my way for my clients, wanting to avoid confrontation all led up to me doing something that shocked both myself and my husband (who was in our car).
I said “okay…”
And I slowly took the mask from his hands, the one he had just taken off his own face, and put it on my own.
THIS WAS NOT FOR MY PROTECTION. This guy obviously could care less if I got the virus he was so scared of. What quicker way to give it to someone than breath your particles in and out of a piece of cloth and then put that on someone else’s face. A pregnant woman’s face.
I wish, with everything in me, that I could go back to that moment and just stand up for myself. Dear Lord, why didn’t I just say no? Why didn’t I yell HELL no?! Why was I so scared that I put someone else’s facemask on myself, for their benefit (that was completely unnecessary)?
What a selfish human being.
I digress. The reason I am sharing this is that this experience changed me. It made me realize that even though I think I stand up for what I believe (or not be bullied into doing something I don’t) I didn’t that day. The feeling I have lived with for 5 months was not worth it. It was not worth the shoot, their money, a good review, or their good perception of me. I would and should have left all of that behind. I was scared, I panicked, and I caved.
Moving forward, I hope that this lesson ingrained itself deeply. There may be a time when we are asked to do something more than wearing another person’s face mask, and I for sure want the courage to do the right thing.
So no sir, I will not wear your mask.
