Thoughts on Social Media, My Summer, and Family.

Hi Guys!

It’s been a long time since I wrote a personal post. I have so much blogging to do this fall (weddings, engagements, elopements!) but right now, I would like to write about and maybe sort through some of my thoughts this past month. If you are looking for some gorgeous client gallery’s and stories– don’t worry, those will be coming soon!

If you follow along on my instagram, you probably know that my mama passed away last month. She had been very sick for two years, and honestly she lived longer than what any doctor expected. Even when you see Death looming ahead, it’s still a breath-taking and devastating thing when he finally knocks. The day before, she had left me such a wonderful voicemail for my birthday…she sang to me, laughing as she struggled with the math to figure out how old I was, and then blew me a kiss. I still can’t get rid of this deep ache and confusion, that I will never be able to talk to her again, that I never got the chance to call her back.

I took a little time off of work to be with family and attend her ceremony. But I jumped right back in to editing and shooting a week later, which I think is a good thing. Also, I didn’t feel like I had an option (you can’t reschedule a wedding!!). I have two little boys, a small farm, and this business, so the past month and a half has flown by with very little time to process or think without someone needing a snack, a nap, a diaper change 🙂 I am very grateful for the responsibility of loving my boys. It is distracting, challenging, fulfilling, and purposeful, which are all lovely things to fill up this big whole in my heart. I don’t think there are higher callings than loving and raising your children well. That is not to say I’m good at it all the time!!

There was a point last week, well maybe yesterday actually, where both of my kids had runny noses, Emmett was EXTREMeLY grumpy, and his first reaction to everything was “NO!!!!”. Do you want a snack? “NO!”. Would you like to go to the park? “NO!” We need to put your shoes on. “NO!!” Emmett, we are going bye-bye, let’s put on this coat, “NOOOOOOOOO!”. Well, I lost it, and he got a big spank, and by golly his shoes AND coat went on and we made it to the car. Of course, in the aftermath of losing my temper with him I always feel guilt. I hate yelling & spanking, and when I fail at my own parenting standards it hurts both of us. Both of them quickly fell asleep in the car and I had some time to ponder all of this… I thought about my mama, my kids, my husband, our sometimes messy and chaotic life. The dirty dishes in the sink, the box of un-opened diapers on the floor, the cameras and lenses in my office that is overflowing with kids cars and trains, and random tupperware. I thought about how whenever the washing machine runs, water flows up our kitchen sink and it grosses me out, and whenever we go outside there is a bare spot of dirt next to our porch that the kids can spend hours being entertained by. I thought about how most mornings we cook eggs and sit around the table with our two kids, the dog eagerly sniffing the floor for any dropped food, hot coffee in our hands.

I was overcome with this feeling that this season we are in right now, this is precious. Its raw, emotions can run high, there are high highs and low lows when you have kids, a young marriage, big dreams and humble income. But it’s so… sweet. It’s so sweet. That’s the word that comes to mind, and it makes me want to hang on to every moment, even the sad ones, even the crazy ones. There are so many GOOD ones too.

I want to protect this time too, from distractions, unnecessary drama, or things that take away from what is right in front of me. Personally, one of the biggest culprits of stealing my peace has actually been social media. I got rid of Facebook almost 3 years ago for this reason, but recently Instagram has done the same thing. And it comes and goes in waves– sometimes I use the platform wisely, to connect with people and share what’s going on in my life and business. But sometimes, it is only a mirror reflecting back all my own insecurities about myself, my family, and especially my business. I can waste hours on that app every day, stewing over things and over analyze to a point that I don’t even want to admit!! I know I’m not alone in this, but social media has a way of making you feel isolated, even amidst that big sea of followers and friends.

I took a big step back this week, completely deleted the app off of my phone knowing full well that that is how most of my clients find me. Right now, my mental health is more important and I’m putting that as my priority–and can I just say, it has been AMAZING!! I’m not even kidding, this week has been a breath of fresh air. I’ve had more time to focus on my family, my home, my work & clients, editing, cooking, and my own thoughts. I love my job so much but this has made me wish there was a way I could continue to build my business without social media. I think what it comes down to, is not avoiding it at all costs for the rest of my career, but maybe I just needed a break. A moment to re-ground myself in what is truly important.

I’m not sure how long this break will be, I’m not setting a time limit on myself. I’m simply enjoying and living in the present because believe it or not, even when your not posting your life on social media it still goes on! Ha! If you can relate to any of this at all, I would love to hear from you. If you are a mama and business owner, I would love to connect with you too. I think we all go through many of the same struggles but it can feel lonely and overwhelming a lot of the time, and finding some commonality with other woman is so helpful.

Thank you for taking the time to read through some vulnerable thoughts. It feels good to get this all down. I am excited too, for all the photography-related posts that are coming up. Not only beatifull galleries, but tips for my clients, and new things I am just, excited about!

Until next time,
xoxo Kayla

PS Here are assorted photos from the past month. We celebrated Judah’s first birthday, Brogan and I took a trip for our 3rd anniversary, and we travelled over my favorite pass (Washington) on our way to my moms memorial. So much packed into the last 37 days!